I find that poetry takes me a while. It is hard to explain what you feel in just a few words. I need suggestions with the last stanza... I felt like I was repeating "world", but I couldn't think of another words to get across the same idea. For some reason, I couldn't get the pictures to transfer from my phone... I am not too good with that, so I typed it up.
Spring
Warmth on my skin
Soft whisper of wind in my hair
Eyes closed - feeling
That fresh smell of the air
A sweet smile on the lips
Eyes closed - happy
The rustle of grass
The buzzing of bees and lawn mowers
Eyes closed - listening
The laughter of friends
Sharing our world
Eyes closed - loving
The small buds on flowers
Our world filling with color
Eyes open - alive
I just started writing the first part and when I ended it with "Eyes closed - Feeling" I thought that it might be powerful to put at the end of each stanza. I thought I was clever :)
I thought your poem was a perfect description of spring especially as if first arrives. I was thinking about your use of the word world twice, what if you change the second to last stanza to something like, sharing a beautiful moment, or sharing in the joy, or sharing the beauty around us....just a thought.
ReplyDeleteI liked your poem! It gave me a great vision of spring! I think you are right, it was clever how you did the eyes closed/eyes open lines. In the last section you could say "earth filling with color" to help with wording. I think it is powerful to end with eyes open-alive.
ReplyDeleteI loved your poem. I wouldn't change the word world either it fits right in there. It flowed easily that I was able to get a picture in my mind of laying in an open field on my back just listening to the sounds around me.
ReplyDeleteHi Sasha,
ReplyDeleteGood for you for attempting a poem!
One idea is to substitute Earth or space for the word world.
I too like the last line with the eyes open because this is a surprise and different from all of the other final lines in the stanzas.
One other idea is to play with removing some of the simple words such as the. I am not sure you need them. Read aloud the poem and think about the flow and this might help you delete some of the simple words. Might want to substitute "my" for one of the the's too.
Keep working on this and it will be a great poem. You are off to a great start! All the best, deanna